A Fine Day of Healthy Learnin' Indeed

It may be nearing the end of the school year, when zombie children walk outside to be blinded by the sunlight, but that sure don't mean learnin's done happening quite yet! Empty brains need a-fillin' and it's only the first of June. Little children, they own you for a whole 'nother month. (Oops. Really, they own you for the next howevermany years, but don't tell nobody.) And so here, in all its glory, is the fine day's learnin's and the evidence of a day of life well spent. You may get this day back if you steal a time machine from the aliens, but I never will. Good thing I learned all this stuff with my time(!!!):

Today in HISTORY class, I learned that when a student realizes he forgot to sign up to present a project and the teacher calls him a moron, it's funny! Laugh, zombies, laugh!

Today in SPANISH class, I learned that kids are mindless fools, who copy everything off the board without question even if they don't need to. How cheery!


Plus, the people teaching you make mistakes all the time! But they've gone to college, so it's okay.

Oh, and don't ever forget this fine tidbit of knowledge: Any problem in your school, whether it be the delicious healthy foodstuffs or the broken copy machine, is due to the economic recession, even if that problem has been going on forever! Well, there you go. Murder? Cancer? Leprosy? It's the recession. Now shut up and do your work.

Today in FRENCH class, I learned a whole bunch! Every student has a "question quota", a secret number of questions you are allowed to ask your teacher--the person in charge of feeding your curiosity--before the teacher gets sick of you. Thank God for this, because we all know no one learns by asking questions. I hear tell that this secret question number is calculated through the use of a complicated algorithm involving, among many other factors: a precise measurement of how much the teacher likes you, the teacher's general attitude on a given day, and what the teacher had for breakfast.

Always remember this during your adventures in public education: Say a teacher of a foreign language must explain, in that foreign language, that their mother is sick, and a student who is no stranger to parent loss provides a gesture of comfort. It is customary for the entire class to laugh at that student, remarking that she understood the foreign language for once.

In SCIENCE class, I learned that it's okay for the teacher to poke students and tap them on the head with yardsticks while they try to work. I also learned that it's funny when students who have trouble with the material make mistakes! So much humor, all of it derision!